The Horror Honeys: This is NO Christmas Miracle!

This is NO Christmas Miracle!

A Supernatural Honey Holiday Horror Review by Suzanne


Clever and not at all derivative tagline there, SNDN 5!
Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker (1991)
I’m back! Move is complete and I am now writing you from the frigid wilds of Chicago. What the fuck did I do to myself? 
I was pretty jazzed at the notion of being able to stretch the limits and step outside the Supernatural for a minute. Holidays just bring out the best worst films, don’t you think? I decided to finally take a chance on a film I’d never seen, but have had on my shelf for two seasons; Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker. Yes, you read that right. 5!!! This is a direct to video sequel that isn’t really a sequel at all. 
To be perfectly honest, I dozed off a few times. So here we go…

A young boy, Derek, watches his father die a violent and silly death at the hands of a killer toy that was mysteriously delivered to his house in the middle of the night. The next day (it seems) mom tries to put their lives back together. Derek no longer speaks, due to the trauma. All horror films that happen around a holiday MUST have a traumatized child as the focus. I believe this is actually a law.


Um... This looks like it's about to get awkward.
We are then introduced to toy maker, Joe Petto (Mickey Rooney), and his bizarro son, Pino. The toys coming out of that store are not your average Legos. These toys can kill… sort of. There is also a mysterious stranger added to the mix, whose story seems to have been added to fill time.
Let me first say, I think the idea of a killer toy maker at Christmas is a good one. Unfortunately, there is too much going on to make the killer toys the focal point. In fact only three people (not even children) are killed by the toys. 
There are three stories going on here; a widow with an annoying mute kid who has no interest in Christmas anymore (at least we don’t have to hear him whine the entire time), a drunken, down on his luck, toy maker with a creepy son who lives in the basement, and a stranger, who stalks the mom and kid. Turns out, he’s the former lover of mom and biological dad to Derek! Spoiler alert!! Plot twist!! WHAT-EVER


Robots! Totally logical inclusion in a holiday horror film.
The most interesting storyline seems like an afterthought. The relationship between Petto and Pino is loosely based on Pinocchio. Had this been fleshed out more, it might have changed the outcome. 
I won’t bore you with the bad acting or the bad effects. It has the obligatory sex scenes, but no nudity. It has kill scenes with virtually no gore. The only semi-interesting and entertaining scene is the climax where Pino reveals himself to be a robot, created by Joe Petto (get it now?). When he removes his Santa suit, he also reveals he’s built like a Ken doll. Then he tries to rape Derek’s mom, while begging her to take him as her son. Horrifying.  
I’m sort of at a loss for words. Well, I’m a loss for any good words. Truly the only highlight of this film is watching Mickey Rooney be Mickey Rooney and spend most of his scenes yelling at someone and swigging Jack Daniels, which probably wasn’t even a prop. None of the other actors have any star power except for the one small cameo by Clint Howard as a department store Santa. He really should have been in the movie more. In fact, HE should have played Pino. That would have been spectacular!
In the end, the only Pino I need in my life is Pino Grigio and I should have purchased a LOT of it before watching this movie.
I give this movie 2 Clint Howards out of 5. I need more Clint Howard.
Everyone needs more of this man in their life, really.