The Horror Honeys: Revenge Honey's Best and Worst of 2014!

Revenge Honey's Best and Worst of 2014!

A Year-End Top Five from Revenge Honey Linnie

Ah, the traditional year-end top five list. As a critic, you're pretty much expected to pass along your knowledge of the best and worst films you've seen over the course of your year. But when you're the Revenge Honey (i.e. me), you see a LOT of garbage. So much garbage, in fact, that out of the 190 films I saw for the first time this year, it was easier for me to pick five I hated than five I actually enjoyed. But, after some real soul searching and a little genre flexibility, here is my list of the movies I most liked this year! And since I'm the Revenge Honey, I've also included five films that made me want to stab things. Because as far as I'm concerned, the best part of my job is saving you naughty little ghosties from suffering through the same terrible movies I have.

Top Five Films of 2014!

Starry Eyes: Cautionary tales about Hollywood have long been some of my favorites, and Starry Eyes is the best I've seen in ages. Just when you think you've got the film figured out, it takes you in a totally different direction. It wasn't my favorite film this year, but it came damn close.

Shock Value: An indie horror of the highest degree, Shock Value is a wonderful example of everything that is right with the horror industry right now. This meta-horror movie was full of fabulous practical FX, great performances, and a memorable story that you will never shake. Add this one to your "watch" list ASAP.

Kristy: Kristy, or Random as it's known in some circles, is one of those fantastic horror films that has unfortunately been lost in the studio system. Kristy is a perfect combination of home invasion & thrill-killer horror, anchored by a memorable final girl and a trio of terrifying villains. See Kristy any way you can until the distributor that owns it wises up and releases it in North America.

Cheap Thrills: The Honeys couldn't get enough of Cheap Thrills this year and if you've seen it, you know why. This insanely twisted dark comedy brought us everything we look for in a film like this: it was funny, it was horrifying, and it left us all talking about how far we'd go for the right price. Director E.L. Katz is officially one to watch, and the Honeys are watching carefully.

Gone Girl: The expectations for David Fincher's Gone Girl were off the charts and he delivered in spades. Everything about Gone Girl the film was perfection: perfect cast, perfect pacing, perfect score. And if Rosamund Pike doesn't have an Oscar nom waiting for her in January, I'll eat a block of cheese. (I'm lactose intolerant. That would be bad).

Special Mentions to:

The Best Offer (2013): The Best Offer was actually my favorite film that I saw this year, but since it came out in 2013, it doesn't qualify for my Top Films list. However, I still wanted to make sure everyone knew about it. Subtle, tense, full of twists and turns, and featuring a brilliant performance from Geoffrey Rush, if you haven't seen The Best Offer yet, do so now. It's utter perfection.

Life Itself: Like most people who review films for a living, I grew up with Roger Ebert as one of my heroes. Even when I didn't agree with his opinion on a film, I respected the passion with which he defended it. Life Itself is the documentary that followed Ebert through the difficult final days of his illness, but also showed what a brave and loving spirit he was. If you are a film fan of any kind, you must see Life Itself. And if you don't have at least a few touches of the feels by the end, I owe you a beer.

Top Five "Ugh's" of 2014!

Scorned: In February, I called Scorned as the worst movie I would see all year. And while Transcendence nipped at its heels like a really ugly puppy, Scorned still wins the 2014 Stabby Prize for Worst Movie. This crappy revenge film is below everyone involved, even Billy Zane and that guy would probably tap dance on a street corner if someone gave him a dollar. If I saved just one person from watching this movie in 2014, then it was all worth it.

Transcendence: This turkey of a film marked the end of my life-long love affair with the career of Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp as Skynet is a shaky premise to begin with, but then factor in the selfishness of the story at the heart of the film, and I was furious the whole time I watched. Two people so obsessed with each other that they literally almost cause the death of everyone else in the world? That isn't romantic. It's just stupid. By the end, I wanted to punch my computer, just in case Johnny Depp was in there.

The Pact II: There is nothing more disappointing than a big-budget sequel to a wonderful indie film. The original movie is one of my favorites, so I was actually excited for the sequel. But The Pact II took everything good about The Pact and made it boring. And obvious. This was one of those cases where well enough should have been left alone, but since Hollywood is incapable of that, we now have a an unfortunate franchise situation for a film that didn't need it.

Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead: You know what's not funny? Nazis. Ever. You know what is even less funny? Nazi puns, like the one in the poster above. I get that as a Jewish woman with zero patience for bro humor, I'm probably not the audience for these films. But this sequel did more to enrage me than I thought possible, especially after suffering through the first one. Out of all the movies I saw this year, this was the only one to give me a rage migraine. 

Devil's Tower: This sub-par British film about an apartment building plagued with sex zombies would have gone completely unnoticed, had it not tried to capitalize on star Jason Mewes' past as Jay, of Jay and Silent Bob fame. He plays a dime store version of Jay in Devil's Tower and even that isn't entertaining enough to save this disaster of a film. The only hell you'll find in this movie is the one you're living in while you watch it.

Dishonorable Mention

The Upper Footage: This piece of shit found footage film, so mired in marketing shadow games in may as well have been made by Sony, was actually made in 2013. But since its creators are still pushing it like it's a new movie, I'll include it in this list. Committing multiple sins, including featuring entirely unlikable characters, shitty filming, and being boring, The Upper Footage is, without question, the worst found footage movie I have ever seen. And that's saying a lot.