The Horror Honeys: Pedo Van in the Sky! I Don't Wanna...

Pedo Van in the Sky! I Don't Wanna...

A Revenge Honey Holiday Horror Christmas Eve Review by Linnie

Whatever you say.
Christmas Evil (a.k.a. You Better Watch Out) (1980)

It may be stupid. It may be totally ridiculous. And it may end with a white windowless pedophile van flying off into the night sky like a Santa's sleigh for child molesters. But when it comes to "so bad it's good" holiday horror, Christmas Evil is about as "good" as it gets. And in the spirit of the holidays, that is as close to a compliment as this movie is going to get.

The Plot: When Harry was just a little tyke with a Long Island accent so thick it probably should have been subtitled, he snuck down the stairs to sneak a peek at Santa delivering his toys. Instead, he caught Santa and his mother engaging in some sort of awkward leg groping ritual, all of which confirmed to little Harry that Santa didn't exist. (It confirmed to me that my dinner was about to make a reappearance, but that is neither here or there.)

I saw Mommy getting molested by Saaaaaanta Claus!
Flash-forward to middle-aged Harry, and he is now working at a corrupt toy company that seems to be ripping off the kids at a home for "retarded" children (the movie's words, not mine, I assure you.) Additionally, Harry takes on the role of Santa, watching kids in their bedrooms from the rooftops of New York City though his binoculars to determine which are naughty and which are nice, and then puts pictures of them in a big book filled with hand-scrawled notes, which just confirms what we all already know...

If you engage in Santa-like behavior but AREN'T an actual magical being, you are in fact, a pedophile. 

"They all said I couldn't grow facial hair! But I showed 'em!
I showed 'em good!"
So, in the spirit of the season, Harry goes on a killing spree, taking out the naughtiest people in town in increasingly gruesome ways, while making sure that the one naughty boy in ALL of NYC that he has singled out gets a big fat bag of coal. Let's ignore the fact that this child gets smacked around by his mother, and his crimes are looking at Hustler and swearing. If Santa screwed over kids for that kind of behavior, no 12-year-old boy in America would have gotten a gift since the 40s.

Anyway, Christmas Evil features torch-wielding villagers, idiotic cops, and a room full of parents who let a random dude dressed as Santa dance with their kids and don't even flinch when he says things like this:

"But now I want you to remember to stay good boys and girls. Respect your mothers and fathers and do what they tell you. Obey your teachers and learn a whoooole lot. If you do this, I'll make sure you get good presents from me every year. Ho ho ho! But if you're bad boys and girls, your name goes in the 'Bad Boys and Girls' book. And I'll bring you something... horrible."

Isn't that cute? Wait... why is he walking out the door with her?
Is he bringing her back?
Yeah, no cause for concern there, parents. Just keep dancing!

Nothing about this picture is surprising actually.
Sigh, Whatever: This is one of those movies that is almost impossible to cut down. OF COURSE, it's total crap. It looks terrible, it sounds terrible, it IS terrible. But that's kind of the point, isn't it? As I've said before, a holiday horror film with a guy who dresses up as Santa and kills people that takes itself seriously is bound to fail. But as long as it maintains some sort of knowing "wink wink" attitude, it's usually poised for greatness. And there is a reason John Waters loves Christmas Evil; it's about a murdering pedophile who glues on a Santa beard and loses his fucking mind. The fact that it ISN'T a John Waters movie is kind of staggering. So do I like Christmas Evil? No. Does it matter? Not one little bit.

Revenge Honey Rating: I'd give it one flying pedophile van out of five, but add three glued on Santa beards for sheer enthusiasm. 
After I deliver your presents, I am going to murder your father while you watch.
Make sure you cash in that gift certificate for a lifetime of free therapy!