The Horror Honeys: Old Balls & Kevin Costner's Yummy Tummy Hair

Old Balls & Kevin Costner's Yummy Tummy Hair

A Revenge Honey Review by Linnie


Revenge (1990)

After watching Revenge, starring Kevin Costner, Madeline Stowe (who is apparently drawn to any project titled Revenge), and Anthony Quinn, I finally think my parents had some boundaries when I was growing up. You see, I was a vaguely twisted seven-year-old kid in 1990 and I loved me some Kevin Costner, so I demanded that my parents let me watch anything the man starred in. I saw Bull Durham,  The Untouchables, and Dances with Wolves not too long after their release. As an adult, I always thought my parents were a little insane for exposing me to some of that stuff so young, but I've chalked it up to "youngest child syndrome." However, when I recently discovered Revenge, I was shocked that I'd never even heard of it, given that it came out in 1990. After watching it, I can see why. Good on my parents for keeping THIS one from me when I was seven. I would have never recovered.

All that being said, hot damn! I enjoyed this epically 90s movie far more than expected.

Directed by Tony Scott, Revenge tells the tale of Jay Cochran, a recently retired fighter pilot who decides to vacation in the garden spot that is Mexico and drop in on an old pal (Quinn) while he's there. The problem is, said old pal is a sleazy businessman and Cochran falls head-over-heels in love with his buddy's wife, Miryea (Stowe). Their romance is short lived when skeazeball busts in on their weekend getaway, has Cochran beaten within an inch of his life and left for dead, and his wife maimed, hooked on drugs, and dropped at a crummy Mexican brothel. You know. That old chestnut.

I must admit, when I first started watching Revenge, I found the whole concept a little convoluted. I mean, really: if given the choice between Anthony Quinn's old balls and this:

Where... what? Who am I?
Who in their right mind would choose saggy testicles over a 90s Kevin Costner? That's like being offered a cupcake or anthrax and having to pause and consider your options. Yet, after the 90s cliches, Top Gun-esque flying scenes, and gauzy sex, something interesting happened... Revenge got fucking cool!

Lucky bitch.
Revenge Honey Fun Fact: The sex scenes in Revenge weren't choreographed. Director Tony Scott told Costner and Stowe to just have at it, and have at it they did. This movie featured some of the best love scenes I've seen in some time. The 90s really were a golden age of sex scenes in movies.

Anywho: Revenge is actually crafted more like a modern Western than a standard revenge/love story. There are horses, creepers named Ramon, sun-drenched deserts, Mexican magic, and lots upon lots of Kevin Costner's delicious chest hair. I found myself completely wrapped up in Cochran's desperate struggle to find Miryea before it was too late. It was a beautiful story and surprisingly well-done given that Don Johnson was originally slated to star in Costner's role.

HOW IS THIS A EVEN A QUESTION?!
Revenge is violent, sexy, dirty, and tragic: all of the things I love most about both Westerns and the best 90s pulp films. It never even occurred to me that one movie could encompass all of those traits and I certainly didn't expect it to star Kevin Costner, who's films are still a butt-load of fun but don't necessarily age as well as you'd hope. Revenge, however, is a movie I will definitely be watching again.

Now where is my copy of No Way Out...


Revenge Honey Rating: 4 "I'd hit that's" out of 5

Revenge is available via iTunes, Amazon Instant Video, YouTube VOD, Vudu, Google Play, & blu-ray/DVD

Would you hit that?
Tell me on Twitter: @linnieloowho