The Horror Honeys: It’s Not Magic…It’s SCIENCE!!

It’s Not Magic…It’s SCIENCE!!

A Sci-Fi Honey Tandem Hexmas review by Jenn and Katie

Christmas Icetastrophe (2014)

Sci-Fi Honey 1.0 Jenn

I won’t lie. As soon as I heard the word ‘Icetastrophe,’ I knew I had to watch this movie. Apparently there is a previous movie along the same lines on Syfy called Snowmageddon, and I need to watch that too. Best. Titles. Ever.

So I sat down with some excitement on Christmas night to watch some intentionally cheesy-ass Holiday Disaster movie goodness. And that’s pretty much what I got.

Basic Synopsis: In a nutshell, meteor hits earth, shit starts to freeze with great speed, and the townspeople who have names based on A Christmas Carol either die terribly, nearly die terribly, or die terribly and save the day. And the SPX are kind of intentionally terrible but not bad terrible like Jack Frost 2. Good quality, funny terrible.

Icetastrophe started out with a pretty terrible CG meteor, which was great. I’m pretty sure it roared. After the crash people started flash freezing, which looked hilarious, although a couple of them were still sliiiiiiightly moving in close up, showing they were obviously just wearing makeup, which was ok by me.  They occasionally shattered into pieces, which the first time was pretty funny, but I think they should have stopped at one person.

One teen character’s brother almost looked old enough to be her dad. There is apparently some kind of feud between two families (Evil Mr Crooge and the main character Charlie Ratchett), yet Ratchett was still working periodically for Crooge. The feud was never explained, and yet was serious enough to Romeo and Juliet their teenage kids. Dunno.

Icetastrophe of course contains the usual Nuclear Physicist that can solve a disaster that involves a completely different scientific specialty than they actually work at. It’s like saying a podiatrist can suddenly do neurosurgery because they are both doctors, shit like that is my action movie pet peeve. It was done for amusement here, which I at least appreciated.

There are some really good deaths - A nice SPLAT death by giant ice chunk from the sky, and a helicopter destroyed by what can best be described as a Giant Ice Penis. There are a couple of chase scenes, one by boat and another later by snowmobile, that basically mirror each other, which I liked and found amusing.

This movie also contains what I thought was a super funny scene where after a completely nonsensical explanation for the disaster was realized, and a completely nonsensical solution was developed, a main character says:

It’s Not Magic…It’s SCIENCE!!

And you thought looks from your in-laws across
the Christmas dinner table were icy...
The acting is good, effects are funny, but I admit I got bored after a while. It’s a good idea, but to be honest I would have liked it better as a short, or at least fewer side plots.

Sci-Fi Honey 1.0 Lowdown: This movie is intentionally bad, a tongue in cheek disaster movie a-la-Sharknado. It was quite funny in parts, the acting was actually overall really good, and I didn’t hate it like I did Jack Frost 2, or Saint last year. But I’d have to say it was meh. Some laughs, but it often felt like it was spinning it’s wheels to me, just similar stuff happening over and over -snow blah blah freeze blah blah same effect again blah blah, I wanted to skip ahead a bunch of times, which isn’t a good sign. 

Sci-Fi Honey 1.0 Rating: I give Christmas Icetastrophe 2.5 Roaring Meteors out of five. Good acting, some laughs, but too much meh.

You'd think Santa would have no problem
with this climate... 
Sci-Fi Honey 2.0 Katie

Another year, another chilly (but sadly, not chilling) SyFy original movie to keep us cozy on those cold Saturday nights.  This week brought us a holiday-centric natural disaster flick, and in the spirit of Sharknado-ing a new compound word for every single one of their titles, it’s called Christmas Icetastrophe.

The film takes us to a Quaint Little Town at the base of Mt. Dickens, where citizens are having a Christmas celebration in the town square.  We meet single dad Charlie Ratchet, his teenaged son Tim, his greedy boss Ben Crooge, and Ben’s daughter Marley – who (dun dun dun) is secretly seeing Tim.  Wait… Mt. Dickens, “Ratchet”, “Crooge”, Marley – heyyyyy, I GET IT!  Too bad this painfully forced “tribute” to Dickens and his enduring work, A Christmas Carol, amounts to exactly nothing in the film. 

No sooner does a character crack a joke about global warming when disaster strikes – a meteor rips through the atmosphere and smashes into the town square, spewing forth ice crystals which transform people in close range into human corpsicles.  Charlie, suffering from perpetual hero syndrome, spends the rest of the film inserting himself into one perilous situation after another in order to rescue his family, townspeople, and eventually, the whole world: “somebody’s gotta do it” / “does it always have to be you?”  Yes, yes it does.  And it is annoying when characters like this don’t die from all their stupidly heroic efforts.

He was THIS CLOSE to making it all the way to the bathroom
The icy grasp of the Earth-embedded meteorite is spreading, past the confines of the town limits and beyond, and random characters find themselves in hit-and-miss states of peril.  Instead of portraying the horrifying real-life effects of something like frostbite to the audience, similar to what was depicted in Adam Green’s Frozen, the film prefers its human corpsicles to insta-freeze as if they’ve been dipped in liquid nitrogen, and shatter like glass statues.  Sadly, the chance to illustrate some truly traumatizing real-life consequences of this weather is squandered for a cool CG effect that has no basis in reality whatsoever (like, how the frozen guy shatters into a thousand pieces, but the plastic walkie-talkie in his hand is still intact, and still works).  Maybe I am asking for too much “Sy” in my “SyFy.”

After conveniently picking up an astrophysicist on the side of the highway, Charlie attempts to save the planet from freezing devastation through one of the lamest, most contrived resolutions ever conjured for a third act.  I’m no astrophysicist, but I don’t buy the science attributed to how the meteorite could be stabilized and the Icetastrophe averted.  While it had some fun moments, and even some solid acting, Christmas Icetastrophe generated more exasperated groans than laughs or gasps, and this Sci-Fi Honey was ultimately feeling left out in the cold.

Sci-Fi Honey 2.0 Rating:  Two human corpsicles out of five.

Yeaaahhhh! We kicked that asteroid's ASS! Sy-Five!