The Horror Honeys: Home Alone... and Waiting for Social Services!

Home Alone... and Waiting for Social Services!

If you're of a certain age (that is born between 1980 and 1983), it's highly likely that Home Alone and Home Alone 2 are a huge part of your holiday traditions. We loved this movie as kids because we were able to live vicariously through young Kevin McCallister, who proved that a child could easily outsmart a bunch of idiot adults and save the day. As grownups, the original Home Alone films provide us with a hefty dose of holiday nostalgia.

But here is the question I pose you now: if you were presented a film that was loaded with child abuse, attempted murder, torture, child abandonment, breaking and entering, and extreme violence, would you typically queue that up for holiday enjoyment, while surrounded by children? It sounds more like a horror film doesn't it? And that, you naughty chestnuts, is why I present you with this theory: Home Alone... the Scariest Holiday Horror Film in History!

Now, I'm not one to blow off a film because it's a little violence-heavy. Hell, I ring in Christmas Day every year by watching the original Black Christmas at midnight on Christmas Eve. But it was only this year, while watching Home Alone with my dad, that I became aware of just how terrifying the entire prospect of these films are. Let's start with general conceit for these movies: the youngest child in a family of seven is repeatedly left behind when they go on vacation. They never could have a third film featuring the McCallister family, because if they'd done this to Kevin a THIRD time, the whole family would be spending the holidays at the Chicago courthouse. Merry Christmas, Kevin McCallister! Meet your foster family, the McBeatsMyKids!

Further, let's add on the fact that little Kevin is somehow a master in devising Saw-level torture contraptions. The only reason that burglars Harry and Marv survived Home Alone to then take on Kevin New York style is because they are apparently immortal. Any number of the devices Kevin uses on them when they break into his home had the potential to kill them, but this was never more true than in Home Alone 2, where a 20-pound bag of cement fell on Marv's head and Harry fell several stories off a ladder and on to New York sidewalk. Good wholesome fun for the whole family? Maybe. A holiday spent in the morgue for two bumbling burglars with a hard on for an 8-year-old? Definitely.

Next, let's add on that EVERY adult Kevin comes in contact with is a grade-A moron. That kindly old man living next door? Sure, you helped him out of a jam by whacking the Wet Bandits over the head with a snow shovel, but why didn't you invite him over to your house for cocoa and stories about the war WHEN IT BECAME OBVIOUS HE WAS HOME ALONE? Second, I challenge you to find a bigger Tim Curry fan than myself but when it became clear that a 10-year-old was using a stolen credit card, perhaps you should have, I don't know, ASKED WHY HE WAS IN NEW YORK FRIGGING CITY BY HIMSELF, rather than chased him off into the cold? Your average street thug, ten or not, doesn't use a stolen card to check into the Plaza at Christmas and eat a bunch of ice cream. The McCallister's may be assholes, but Timmy deserved more than a slap across the face from Kate's glove hand. The Plaza would be getting a pine-scented summons if that were my kid.

Finally, let's take a step back and look at the McCallister family as a whole. It's not entirely out of the realm of possibility that the youngest child in a large family could get dumped on. Perhaps, it may not even be ENTIRELY impossible for a child to be left behind when things get hectic (I'm being generous here). But there is NO REASON that Kevin should have been separated from his family a second time. That is straight up, four alarm, state-intervening child neglect right there. Were Kevin my kid, he would not leave the house in a group were he not equipped with a low-jacking device or strapped into a kid leash. 

They're fashionable AND functional, dummies!
So yes, thanks to nostalgia and the adorableness that was a pint-sized Macaulay Culkin, Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York have become staples of the holiday season. But just remember, if YOU see an eight-year-old grocery shopping by himself, there is nothing wrong with asking him if he's okay. You might prevent a child from the trauma of having to celebrate Christmas Eve by lighting strange men on fire.

Not every kid is as self-sufficient as you are, strange boy.

25th Anniversary "WTF" Addition!
It's required hooker behavior to flirt with all penis, underaged or not.
As a kid who spent a good bulk of her childhood in NYC, I've always had a soft spot for Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Obviously, all the standard "no one could survive this" rules apply to the Home Alone sequel. But this year, for the first time, I noticed something almost as implausible as Marv surviving a three-story fall, followed by a 20-pound cement crashing on his head. Kevin's Uncle Rob and Aunt Georgette are still in Paris, which is how Kevin is able to use their house for his torture games. The first time he stops by to see if they are home, we see via his father's address book that their address is 51 W. 91st St., which is the Upper West Side of Manhattan, one block away from Central Park. After Kevin discovers they aren't home, he walks along the periphery of Central Park, where apparently, hookers and really terrifying homeless people have decided to just chill.

That's right; prostitutes are just STANDING on the side of the road, in the most expensive area of Manhattan, in full view of investment bankers, their socialite wives, and the NYPD, offering to read bedtime stories *wink wink* to ten-year-old boys. 1992 or not, this scenario is officially tied with, well, every other scenario in the Home Alone series, as totally ridiculous. 

2016 "Fucking Bummer" Addition

As stated above, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York has always been my favorite of the series. But thanks to the events of 2016, there is a good chance that will change this year. Mostly because President-Elect Scrooge McDumbass and his minion, anti-vaxxer/history denier Rob Schneider both have roles in the film. Sure; Scrooge's role is small, but I can't even look at Schneider anymore, a man with a high school education who thinks he knows more than a doctor about what is best for babies. 

Douche Bigelow: Male Fan of Polio
Will I still watch Lost in New York this year? I honestly haven't decided yet. My love of Tim Curry may win out over all. But one thing is for damn sure...

These two losers will make it a lot harder to enjoy.