The Horror Honeys: He's Chillin'... and Killin'!

He's Chillin'... and Killin'!

A Head Honey Holiday Horror Review

Jack Frost (1997)

B-movies. Christmas movies. 2 film genres that I try to avoid as if they're covered in liquid hot magma. Lo, and behold, in sacrifice to you, our bloody amazing readers, I've been assaulting my own eyes and brain with both of those things at the same goddamned time for WEEKS. 

The story: Jack Frost is a badass serial killer who had been on a murderously successful killing spree until one day, he's taking a piss on the side of the road and gets arrested by a small town cop. Vowing revenge (of course) on the hapless flatfoot, Jack goes to trial, is convicted, and right around the holiday season Jacky's on his way to the death house. After an accident with some (untested, not even on an amoeba!) genetically modified liquid and some FIRE, Jack is disintegrated into a snowbank...or is he?  When people start dying and the one liners start flying, there's no telling WHAT will happen next!  Or it will be blindingly predictable... as per B-movie usual.

That's right, Sheriff! You take a good, long look at this face! 'Cuz the next time you see it, it's gonna tear your world apart! I'll find a way! I'll tear your town apart! I'll kill your family! I'll kill you! You're dead! You hear me? Dead!

So, in honor of B-movie badness, I'm going to review Jack Frost, with the help of some bad dialogue from the film itself. Ahem.

Jack - "Is it cold in here, or is it just me?" - Oy.  

With the movie poster art being what it was, I have to be honest; I was expecting something a LITTLE more badass for the vengeful return of this crazed killer than a chubby ass snowman with branch brows. Painfully overacted while in human form, Scott MacDonald tried DESPERATELY hard to channel Bruce Campbell. Which seems to have been capitalized on by giving him a (bad) lip scar, the execution of the line "Oh Yeah" to sound like the iconic "Groovy," and even finding a way to create a camera angle that made him look vaguely like Ash in the right light. Survey says, STAHP

Jill (Shannon Elizabeth) - in her first film role, Shannon eyelash bats, lip bites, and hair shakes her way through this movie, only to die naked and kind of awkwardly.  

Jill: Come and get me when you're ready.
Tommy: Yes! If I was any more ready, I'd explode.

Sheriff Sam - the boring, oatmeal personality-possessing local cop who first busted Jack. He's the reason Jack is back for revenge, but since he has the policing acumen of a potato, I'm not sure how that happened in the first place. 

Agent Manners - turtlenecks come standard in the FBI. When you get hired, you get a badge, a gun, and a turtleneck. Oh wait... don't forget the "better than you because FBI" attitude.  

Agent Manners: Agent Manners.
Sam: FBI?
Agent Manners: Sure. Why not?

The kills:
Billy (another holiday horror film Billy - WTF) - Billy the holiday bully meets his end with an unexpected decapitation that would make Rosebud weep. I laughed REALLY loudly.  Not going to lie.

Tommy - Ice spears shot through the head and nailing him to the door? Fuck yeah.

Sally Metzner - Billy's mommy bites the wire and is strung up like a holiday decoration. So festive. So awesome.

Jake Metzner - Billy dad get's wood the hard way with an ax handle shoved down his got it, the most out of the box way I've seen to kill someone with an ax.  

Jill Metzner - Billy's hot piece of ass big sister, blow dries her hair, and then takes a bath... I'm still not exactly sure how she died, it really just looked like a lot of hair flinging and screaming. But from the one liner attached, I guess she was supposed to have been fucked to death? M'kay.  This death also featured a mini-homage to Psycho which was cute 

Jack Frost: Looks like Christmas came a little early this year. Well, I hope it was good for you honey. Oh, I must remember to send flowers.

Agent Manners - NOMMED TO DEATH WITH GIANT ICE TEETH - again, something that could have been done waaaayyyy better, but hey, it's a giant snowman made of foam.

As with the majority of the B-horror-holiday movies I've subjected myself to in the last few weeks, the kills are easily some of the most interesting things about the film, and I personally think that B-movies do some of the most inventive kills in film - mainly because they HAVE to be inventive. Ruining those opportunities with BAD CGI or shitty makeup FX is what keeps B-movies where they are: cult favorites, with an audience that doesn't mind how awfully things are played out.  Sadly, (again as with most B-movies in general) weak and obvious storyline with some AWFUL one liners thrown in wherever there's a lull in "action" make Jack Frost a boring watch, at least for me.  I cheer the kills, and then groan through the dialogue and "character building".  

The verdict: If they could just string the kills together, I'd watch this film all year round.  

Head Honey Rating: 3 dastardly twig eyebrows out of 5.

Jack Frost is available via Hulu, Google Play, & a really over-priced DVD

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