The Horror Honeys: Blast Off for Mars with Santa & Some Earth Kids!

Blast Off for Mars with Santa & Some Earth Kids!

A Sci-Fi Honey Review from Original Sci-Fi Honey Jen!

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Gather ‘round, children, and I’ll tell you the story of how a Sci-Fi holiday comedy movie was made in 1964. Hey you! Blonde kid with the pigtails. Bring Sci-Fi Honey a big ol’ glass of eggnog. And don’t skimp on the rum. Sci-Fi honey needs it after watching this turkey of a movie.

You see children,  kids on Mars in 1964 were really unhappy, because they had nothing but educational material pumped into their heads since they were babies, and no fun was allowed (much like downtown Vancouver before the current mayor was elected.) They also are a sickly green colour – well actually, many different shades of green, due to what I suspect was a makeup artist hired because she was sharing nap-time with the director. All of their food comes from pills, just like ours should be now if all the predictions from the 1960s came to pass. We also don’t have rocket cars to drive to work in, boys and girls, and that makes Sci-Fi Honey sad. 

Where is that eggnog anyway, Pigtails?? Get a move on.

Christmas on Mars is just aces!
Anyway children, the Martians decided to head over to Earth in a spaceship made from tin cans and cardboard boxes, much like the ones you kids make with the leftover boxes after Santa brings mommy a new dryer for Christmas, even though she’d rather have a trip to the spa, and you decide you like the refrigerator box better than the Xbox that Daddy slept overnight in a sleeping bag outside of Future Shop to get you. On board the Martian Cardboard Ship are King Martian (the nice one), Mean Martian –  you can tell he’s bad because of his 70s porn ‘stache (ask your daddy what porn is, kiddies), and Idiot Comic Relief Martian – he falls down a lot and acts a lot like your Drunk Uncle on Christmas Eve before the spiked eggnog kicks in and he starts talking about how much better his life was in high school.

Speaking of eggnog, where the hell is mine?? Seriously, I need a drink at about this point in the movie.

RARR! I'm a polar bear!
The Martians land on earth and kidnap a couple of adorable kids who are having a nap in the woods, as kids do in December in full winter gear. Don’t try this at home, kids. The Evil Martians take them to the North Pole, encounter a Big Scary Polar Bear (RARRRR!), and then a Big Evil Robot made out of more cardboard and cans and with some knobs drawn on with sharpies kidnaps Santa and take him to Mars to make the Martian Kiddies happy by building a factory that pumps out toys. Because lots of toys is what makes kids happy; don’t forget that children! 

Oh thank Hades, eggnog at last! Well done Pigtails, I’ll put in a good word for you with Santa. Seriously. 

Evil Santa-Capturing Robot
I won’t ruin the ending for you children, because what kind of a Scrooge does that?? Suffice to say that Santa saves the day using the Wonder of Christmas, and changes Martian Culture forever, as white people have been doing to other cultures for many years. Of COURSE in a positive way kids! What did you THINK I meant???

Ok kiddies, run along and play, I need to talk to the grown-ups now. 

Sci-Fi Honey lowdown : Well, this movie has costumes and sets and makeup created by a crack team of ten year olds with the contents of a recycling bin and a sharpie. The acting is really bad. However, if you want a movie to play in the background and make fun of while getting drunk on ‘Nog with your friends who also hate Christmas, this is the movie for you.

Sci-Fi Honey rating:  I give this movie half of a giant fake polar bear head out of five, because I like old terrible movie robots. If I were actually drunk it might have been higher. But I wasn’t.