The Horror Honeys: Sex Zombies... SNOOGINS!

Sex Zombies... SNOOGINS!

A Revenge Honey Review by Linnie

Devil's Tower (2014)

I'm not even 100% sure where to begin with this review. So I will start with a plea to Jason Mewes:

Dude, you are an attractive and moderately appealing guy under normal circumstances. I'm not sure at what point you/the world decided you would never be more than Jay, of Jay and Silent Bob fame, but that's on you to change. And that will never happen as long as you keep accepting roles that attempt to cash in on your Kevin Smith-related fame and make you look like a one-note actor. Because all that does is remind us of this:

And yes, while it's funny in small doses... IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE YOUR LIFE! 

Anyway. On to the review portion of the atrociously awful Devil's Tower.

Devil's Tower, helmed by first-time feature director Owen Tooth, is one of those movies that totally defies logic, and thus, makes it really difficult to offer a coherent opinion. But the facts were these...

Issue-soaked Sarah (Roxanne Pallett) moves into one of the most disgusting apartment towers I have seen in my life. It looks like something you'd shoot mole rats in while playing Fallout. But I digress. The implication is, this is all she can afford and is forced to put up with thin walls, flickering electricity, squatters in the form of Jason Mewes/Sid, and a building controlled by a vengeful spirit intent on turning the tower into some sort of meta-horror-reality show. Starring sex zombies. Zombie-ish creatures who like to get gropey or murder people after getting horny. Seriously. That's the best I can offer you by way of a plot.

It's like Shivers,  but if David Cronenberg were an asshole.

Four out of four Monkees confirm... this director is an asshole.

The plot of Devil's Tower is impossible to suss out most of the time, due to consistently overlapping stories that are of no consequence. Sam's relationship with her bitch of a mother, hippie-dippy crunchy granola neighbors and their rose quartz, Jason Mewes doing his best "I'm Jay but we couldn't afford Silent Bob" version of a homeless squatter with really clean clothes... There are a barrage of stories being thrown at you for the entire running time, but only the last twenty minutes are actually devoted to who is in control of the sex zombies. And even that doesn't make any sense. But apparently sex zombies are afraid of fire? I don't know. I give up.

Also, as an added bonus, the nips of the sex zombie remain perpetually hard.
So, that's fun.

There aren't significantly more ways to convince you just to skip this movie if offered the chance to watch it. If the sex zombies don't do it, and a cast of actors without a modicum of acting talent between them don't, or the movie blood that looks like barbecue sauce splattered everywhere doesn't, then there isn't anything else I can say. Except... please don't? Please?

Revenge Honey Rating: 1/2 a sex zombie out of 5