The Horror Honeys: Run, Run Like the Wind from 'The Wicker Tree!'

Run, Run Like the Wind from 'The Wicker Tree!'

A Revenge Honey National Honey Month Review by Linnie

The Wicker Tree (2011)

How well and truly awful does a sequel have to be in order to make the Nic Cage Wicker Man remake look like Shakespeare by way of Ingmar Bergman? This is the question Robin Hardy must have been asking himself when he made The Wicker Tree, easily the most inept, offensive, tone-deaf, physically painful, and mentally exhausting piece of film garbage I have ever had the misfortune to see. And I have sat through Battlefield Earth. Twice.

You made me long for Xenu, and for that, I can never forgive you.

The Plot... as it Were: Two Christian missionaries, armed with love for Jesus and their shiny new chastity rings, inexplicably head off for a random village in Scotland in order to spread the word of the lord. But of course, when they get there, the village is chock full of Pagans who have lured them there with the intention of sacrificing them in order to cure their fertility problems (when a trip to the gyno just won't do, sacrifice your local Jesus freak!). Shenanigans ensue, religions based on nature are utterly misrepresented, and a chick with a horrible singing voice shrieks out hymns as well as songs about beer and pickup trucks.

Everyone in 'Murica wears a cowboy hat! EVERYONNNNNNNNNE!!!!!

I am not exaggerating when I say that not one, single, solitary moment in this movie makes one goddamned bit of sense. But let's start with the village of Tressock's supposed Celtic paganism. Apparently, they are not actually pagans. It is revealed at one point that their spiritual leader owns the local nuclear power plant and poisoned the water supply, making all of the women in the village infertile. But rather than own up to it, he converts everyone to paganism, THEN convinces them they are NOW infertile because the gods are pissed. Is it just me or does that timeline not really synch up?

You're mixing your beliefs there, Nuclear Nick.

Now, I am not a fan of Christianity by any means, but I have no idea what Robin Hardy was trying to say with this movie. Neither religion comes out looking too bright, with the pagans actually looking the most idiotic. Are you SERIOUSLY try to tell me that NO ONE in this town caught on to the fact the owner of Mr. Beame's Friendly Neighborhood Nuclear Power Plant announces himself a pagan leader right when everyone loses their baby making abilities? If I were Scotland, I would sue the shit out of Hardy for making my country look like ignorant assholes.

So yes, the story of The Wicker Tree, which is based on Robin Hardy's novel, Cowboys for Christ, which was based on his script The Riding of Laddie, WHICH IS THE EXACT SAME GODDAMNED THING AS THE WICKER TREE OH MY GODS SOMEONE PLEASE SHOOT ME NOW!, makes no sense. But maybe if the acting was even remotely passable, the movie could have been entertaining. However, it was not. The acting in this movie was an absolute disaster across the board, with the lone exception of Christopher Lee's totally unnecessary cameo, which I am fairly confident was shot in front of a green screen, far away from everyone else in the cast.

You'd get an Oscar if "Best Consistent Derp Face" were a category.

Then, we get the added benefit of a series of unintentionally comedic moments that are still not funny enough to render The Wicker Tree a comedy, and you are left with a headache and the desire to fly to wherever Robin Hardy lives and kick him in the nads.

The treatment for which, according to the film, is raw steak on the junk.

I can't even suggest watching The Wicker Tree for a dose of dark humor, because it is simply so bad, there is nothing remotely funny about it. All I can say is don't. Just don't. And if you have already, I'm considering starting a support group for people who has suffered through this painfully awful piece of trash. Tweet me for details.

Revenge Honey Rating - 0 Chastity Rings out of 5
This one is for you, Robin Hardy.