The Horror Honeys: CHOMP CHOMP, YAWN YAWN

CHOMP CHOMP, YAWN YAWN

A Sci-Fi Honey Review by Katie

Poseidon Rex (2013)


There’s a certain expectation one has when diving in (pun intended) to a film called Poseidon Rex; not necessarily that it’s going to be good, but that it’s going to be entertaining on some level, enough to make you stay tuned in until the end credits.  You expect silly one-liners delivered by hammy B-movie/tv actors or aging pop stars, over-the-top action sequences, and hilariously gruesome kills delivered by a less than spectacularly rendered CG-monster.  The SyFy Channel has cornered the market on this formula, and since they’ve hit their stride the past 10 years or so, it seems that other filmmakers want to cash in on the trend by helming their own Sharknado-style magnum opus.
 Poseidon Rex director Mark L. Lester has had some practice gearing up for this chomp-fest; having directed Firestarter (1984), Commando (1985), and other action-packed pieces that may or may not revolve around Dolph Lundgren’s biceps, the guy has a knack for wild concepts and explosive battles.  Fresh off 2007’s Pterodactyl, in which a deadly dino lies dormant in a Turkish volcano, Lester takes us to the Great Blue Hole off the coast of Belize to unleash his newest CGsaur, the titular P. Rex.  Awoken by a blast of dynamite set by treasure hunters looking for the lost gold of Cortez (don’t bother), P. Rex makes her first pixilated appearance in the opening couple of minutes of the movie, diminishing whatever chance of suspense there might’ve been in awaiting the monster’s arrival.  Spielberg set the bar with his “less is more” approach to underwater monster movies, and Jaws this ain’t.

Alternate title: Dinotsunami
In due course we are introduced to our stock characters, who promptly get in line to becoming eventual dino food: Jackson “Jax” Slate (Charmed’s Brian Krause), our rugged Indiana Jones-esque treasure hunter/hero; Dr. Sarah (Annie McDaniels), a buxom marine biologist, as well as a young couple on vacation and a local ship captain.  Together, this ragtag group will try to find the gold while avoiding the deadly chomp-chomp of P. Rex.  There are also some side characters, most notably the “human” villains of our story, gangsters who are also after the aforementioned gold and who speak with a vaguely Jamaican accent (?). 

Directors note: I've never been to Belize, but I've seen Cool Runnings,
and Caribbean is Caribbean...right?
I don’t know enough about scuba diving to understand how our heroes can have full-fledged conversations underwater in scuba gear while their mouths are occupied by a breathing apparatus.  I don’t know enough about dinosaur sex to understand how P. Rex’s two dozen eggs on the ocean floor have been fertilized.  And for all the lead they pump into her, I still don’t understand how P. Rex is seemingly impervious to bullets.  Ignore all the illogical aspects of this film, though, and you’re still left with other hallmarks of a “bad” film – the poor CGI (especially whenever a gun is fired, emitting a cartoonish blast of light), the second-rate acting, the sometimes-visible boom mic, and the overall slapdash nature of the whole undertaking.

Thankfully, Dr. Sarah comes with her own built-in flotation device. 
Despite fulfilling most of the requirements set forth above in getting your sci-fi cheese on, the inherent problem with Poseidon Rex is that it appears to be trying to take itself somewhat seriously, with frequently boring results.  There is one moment in the film where I wrote “HELL YEAH!” in my notes; a fantastically fun kill that comes unexpectedly when a man jumps into the ocean to save a drowning girl (chomp chomp).  With more moments like that one, Poseidon Rex could’ve been on a Piranha 3D-esque level of tawdry amusement, rather than a subpar facsimile of the Sharknado movement.


Sci-Fi Honey Rating: one chomp out of five.