The Horror Honeys: Revenge is Beautiful.

Revenge is Beautiful.

A Revenge Honey Review

Colombiana (2011)

Even as I sit here, I can't come up with a single reason why I haven't talked about this spectacular film before. I've watched it more times than I can possibly count, it stars one of my favorite badass babes, Zoe Saldana, and it tells the story of a woman seeking bloody revenge for the murder of her parents. That right there is a trifecta of Revenge Honey happy. Perhaps that is why I haven't so much as mentioned it, even in passing. I suppose I look at Colombiana as an amazing secret that I've been keeping to myself for two years. But now, darling readers, I pass this secret on to you.

The Story: As a little girl, Cataleya watched as her parents were brutally murdered in front of her by South American mobsters. Rather than curl up in a ball and cry for the rest of her life as most people would, Cataleya runs to America, where she finds her beloved uncle. Under his care, she trains to become a straight-up murderface assassin, killing skeezy bastards with sharks, dogs, and her own mantis shrimp-like murder sticks. Basically, this chick is James Bond without a government agency bossing her around.

I've been tailoring my style after her since I saw this movie.
Colombiana was written by Luc Besson and it is very distinctly one of his films. If you've seen Léon or The Fifth Element (and if you haven't, get out of my face, we have nothing left to discuss fool), then you know what I'm talking about. Not only do you get some extraordinary visuals, but you are also treated to a beautifully written female character who is a frigging goddess. In an industry where female characters are often relegated to eye candy, Besson is one writer/director who can be trusted to elevate the women in his films to superhero status.

All of which is excellent for Saldana, who is able to totally kick ass but not even bother taking names as Cataleya. Zoe Saldana has more than proven herself in recent years to be the queen of nerd culture, between her role as Uhura in Star Trek and her upcoming part in Guardians of the Galaxy (for reals... I can't even try to imagine a better Gamora.) At this point I consider her in a three-way tie with Felicia Day and Katee Sackhoff as Queen of Nerdy Awesomeness. And yet, watching this lithe little creature destroy an entire mob of burly asshats in Colombiana was more satisfying than anything she did in the Star Trek reboots.
Oh, that? That's just Zoe Saldana with a FUCKING FLAMETHROWER!

If I had to pick one complaint about this movie, and there is literally only one, it is a vaguely unnecessary love story between Cataleya and Michael Vartan's Danny. Yummy though Vartan may be, the yucky love element felt kind of forced. While I appreciate that even cold-blooded assassins need some sexy time, I would have preferred to watch Cataleya breaking bones as opposed to... well, you see where I was headed.

Everyone has movies and TV shows they are sensitive about. For example, if you trash talk Firefly around me, you best be ready for a savage beating. And now that I have decided to share my love of Colombiana with you, the same rules apply. If you don't like it... don't tell me.

This has been a Horror Honeys Public Service Announcement.

Revenge Honey Stabby Points: 4 1/2 out of 5
If you have anything negative to say about this woman,
keep it to your damn self.