The Horror Honeys: Goonies on Ice!

Goonies on Ice!

A Sci-Fi Honey Review - Part 6 in the Alien Series Retrospective


Alien vs Predator (2004)

Well, where do I start. A few months back, Head Honey and I live-tweeted Predator. It was full of wrestlers, terrible dialogue (GET TO DA CHOPPAH!), crap acting, a fine looking Predator, and the best shot of a former governor of California ever.


Then I reviewed several movies in the Alien franchise, which has been a treat; I can watch Sigourney Weaver all day long.

And now we come to this. The meeting of the movies. Two classic protagonists/antagonists meeting mano y mano, alien y alien, in a throwdown to see who is the most badass human-killer in town. It’s the Xenomorph/Dreadlocked Killer Cage Match, the Thrillah in Antarctica! Who is truly the Intergalactic Heavy Weight Champeen??

I have to say, by the end I didn’t particularly give a crap.

The synopsis, like the plot, is pretty simple. Lance Henricksen plays a billionaire named Charles Bishop Weyland who is the basis for the android Bishop in the first and third Alien movies, which takes place 150 years in the future. He is the Weyland in Weyland-Yutani, the company that screws Ripley over in the Alien movies, so you know off the top he’s a bit of a dick and will die badly at some point. He puts together an expedition team to head to Antarctica to investigate a mysterious heat source that has appeared there, led by a bunch of red shirts with guns and a woman leading the team who you assume will live to the end and save the day because Sigourney isn’t here. Also a guy with a Scots accent that I quite liked and some Italian dude that can’t act.


Why can't we all just get along? Can I have a hug?
The team discovers a pyramid under the ice, it gets activated Indiana Jones-style, a captive Queen starts pumping out eggs, three Junior Predators show up from space to start hunting the Xenomorphs and remaining humans after the face huggers take out some of the actually interesting cast members, and things go all Goonies, with stone walls that almost squash people, some slides, crumbling floors, and a bunch of Alien vs Predator throw downs in nice dark rooms so that the CGI wouldn’t be as obvious. Well, CGI when there weren’t Muppets playing the part of the Aliens anyway. *Kermit the Frog wave*




DIE PUNY RED SHIRT!
Anyway blah blah blah, people die, faces are hugged, Xenomorphs kill Predators, Predators kill Xemomorphs, and there is a final showdown and zzzzzzzzz.

The CGI was actually pretty good in AvP most of the time, and the sets looked great. One Predator got to do quite a neat jumping ninja kill at the end that looked good. I thought the movie, like a lot of movies nowadays, relied too heavily on the slo-mo. You know, like in the Matrix when the bullets slow down, or in 300 when pretty much anything happens? There were a bunch of cliches, some acting of various quality, and the Predator ship looked great. The story was…actually was there a story? Not really. It was basically fight wankery so that viewers could see two groups of famous alien killers destroy each other. So on that level, successful wankery was achieved. 


"I think the symbols mean that only the female will survive,
and the Italian guy will die. Merda!"
 
As a movie, it was meh. It was pretty. Some stuff died. It paved the way for a sequel. The heroine played by Saana Lathan was good, and she got progressively better as the movie went on. It was formulaic and not that I expected Shakespeare, but I want my money back. And I didn’t even pay to see it.

Sci-Fi Honey Rating: I give AvP 2 Face Hugged Predators out of 5. It was pretty.