The Horror Honeys: Now Reach for the Almighty!

Now Reach for the Almighty!

A Revenge Honey Irish Horror Week Review


Botched  (2007)

Have you ever wondered what would happen if a bunch of people took every idea for a horror movie imaginable, threw them into a hat, and then, instead of picking a few, just used every single idea that was tossed in? Well that, my lovelies, is what it feels like to watch Kit Ryan's Botched... but instead of being a miserable and annoying disaster, it's actually one of the best horror comedies that you've probably never seen.

Boris Bogdanovich: Everyone thinks Russian Army is just about bullying, cannibalism, and homosexual rape. But imagine being part of the biggest family in the world. I loved it.

Dmitri: Then why did you leave?

Boris Bogdanovich: I was accused of bullying, cannibalism, and homosexual rape.

The Plot: Okay, deep breath... A thief for the Russian mob botches a job (GET IT?) and is forced to perform a heist in order to reclaim a priceless Russian artifact (yes, this IS an Irish movie, I promise), but after THIS job goes wrong as well, ends up trapped on the 13th floor of a building with some hostages, a psychotic Russian hit-man, his slow brother, a few religious fanatics, and blood-thirsty twins, one of which thinks he is the reincarnation of a mass-murdering Tsar. Phew!

Revenge Honey Survival Tip #1: If your ear is ever in need of being ripped off, just make sure Stephen Dorff is on hand to finger-bang you into distraction. Done.

Don't look so confused. We know how you survive dangerous situations.
This movie is, without a doubt, one of the most balls-out crazy horror comedies I have ever seen. Not only is the plot borderline genius in its insanity, but it combines elements of classic and modern horror without ever seeming derivative. Some of my favorite moments in the film involve these crazy, Monkees-style chases through seemingly endless hallways, with madcap music to match.  The comedy elements of Botched are so pitch perfect, that the darker moments of the film have even more punch.

The gore in this movie is delivered in buckets enough to satisfy even the most discerning gore-hound, often to hilarious results. Frankly, I find little funnier than watching a man light his stump of an arm on fire while muttering "alpha male" over and over again, but that's just me. Intestines, heads popping off like champagne corks, a giant man of questionable sexuality using a dead man's feet to jack off (again, I may be the only one who finds that hysterical, but I am okay with that); there isn't really a line that Botched isn't afraid to cross. And I love it for that.

You touched my Donna Summers records! YOU DIE NOW!
Revenge Honey Survival Tip #2: If you're ever in a scrape and in danger of being discovered by a psychotic Russian serial killer, just make sure Stephen Dorff is on hand to make out with you fiercely, in order to prevent you from making any sounds.

I don't think Stephen can help him...
I also enjoy that this cast of Russian characters is comprised almost entirely of English or Irish actors, with the exception of American-born Stephen Dorff. The accents are in some cases completely over-exaggerated, but in characters where it's appropriate. Otherwise, most of the accent work is fairly believable. There is also something inherently hilarious about a comedy being set in Russia because, let's be honest... there is nothing remotely funny about Russia. (I can say that. My family is Russian. Shit sucks there.)

If you haven't seen Botched, in the name of all that twisted, see it now. There is absolutely no better way to pay tribute to the great tradition of Irish Horror than to see this amazing example of their horror/comedy.

Revenge Honey Tip for Ultimate Happiness (According to Botched): Even if you're the high powered female VP of a Russian corporation, abandon it all to ride off into the sunset for LA with Stephen Dorff. Because let's be real. Stephen Dorff > money + power.

She almost has the secret to happiness. 

Revenge Honey Rating: 4.5 out 5 Disco Dancing Ivan the Terrible's