The Horror Honeys: Chastity Bites but Slut Blood Burns!

Chastity Bites but Slut Blood Burns!

A Head Honey/True Crime Honey Indie Feature Review

Chastity Bites (2013)
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As True Crime Honey, and a giant history nerd on top of it, I have a big ol' raging lady boner for historical killers.  Countess Bathory is one of my favorite historical killers, mainly because of the documentation of her crimes is so shocking - plus, hello Lady Killer! For those of you not in the know, "The Blood Countess" murdered and tortured hundreds of young girls from the villages surrounding her castle for several years before she was discovered.  Luring young girls from their homes with promise of employment, Countess Bathory carried out her sadistic rites with very little interruption until complaints from the village brought the authorities to her door.  While it's more likely that Erzebet was a sadistic and obsessive torturer who got off on the violence she committed to these women (over 600 if records are accurate), there is no mention, ANYWHERE in the official records of her trial and subsequent punishment that the Countess was bathing in the blood of virgins.  It's a nice little story to cook up though, and rumours about her mad behaviours have been rampant since her death.  "Middle aged widow obsessed with beauty and youth, slaughters young women and bathes in their life fluids while sacrificing to dark spirits!" - sounds pretty sensational doesn't it?

Enter Chastity Bites 

The obligatory rundown: High school is still high school.  Bitches be cray, and the highschool speak of today's teen youth makes me want to slice my ears off with broken bottles and then run shrieking through the streets being chased by 99 cats (that's a Bathory curse reference, FYI).  The concerned Real Housewives of this dead end California town are upset about the gays and other left wing politics that threaten the words of our Lord and Family Values. So, the MILF brigade brings in an expert to teach their daughters not to give it up before their big day - their wedding day of course!!!  Liz Batho is a renowned expert on sex education, but more importantly, abstinence only sex education - we all know how that worked out for Sarah Palin's daughter... oopsie.

Yup - V.A.G

Creating a group of young girls in alliance to safeguard their blossoming womanhood, the members of VAG - yes, that's the acronym for the Virginity Action Group (get your mind out of the gutter) - gather to share stories about temptation and presumably other girly secrets and stuff.  What they don't know, is that the flawless (and fuck yeah she is) leader of VAG is the murderous Blood Countess herself, and time is running out for the virgins of San Griento High.

Our heroine is Leah (Allison Scagliotti), the "movie ugly" outcast, who I have to admit rubbed me both the wrong way and the right way all at the same time.  Clad in tweed blazers, combat boots and giant glasses, Leah is the quintessential hipster feminist - she looks like she belongs in the organic market/coffee shop/vegan bakery down the street from me discussing neo-feminist literature and the Madonna Whore complex shame spiral perpetuated by this gross patriarchy. While part of me wants to punch her with her laptop, another part kind of wants to buy her a vegan chocolate drizzled flax bar and see if she'd want to make out.

What I loved about Chastity Bites
The colours.  RED plays a huge role in Chastity Bites, and why shouldn't it? Red lips, red blood, red jewels... red red red.  Liz Batho's (Louise Griffiths) flawless dark red pout (seriously, I need that colour in my life) is mesmerizing.  The only character who wears red in the film, Batho stands out, on purpose obviously.  The Housewives, bold jewel toned dresses when everyone else is wearing floral patterns, flawless and scandalous necklines.  The Hiltons, white virginal dresses and diamonds in a dungeon?  Yes PLEASE.  I'm all about visual aesthetic, and Chastity Bites took care of that.

Delicious.

The crazy Housewife coven - these three bitches are terrifying.  At first, I was put off by their dialogue and actions, but then I remembered that I KNOW women like this... hell, I've worked for women like this.  While they may be parodies of extreme views and bad parenting, there are assholes like this living in your city, and they think they're AWESOME.  


Using feminist literature as foreplay.  I'm just going to leave that there.  Because it's awesome and more than kinda hot.

What I didn't love about Chastity Bites:
Stereotyped "Teenager Speak" will always be the death of my interest in anything.  Other examples, like Clueless, I can deal with because it's used intelligently, and as a gentle mockery - it's not totes slapped in your YOLO face like a ripe salmon.  This pissed me off about Jennifer's Body too.  If you know anyone that talks this way, do the world a favour and put them out of their misery before they devolve the species for good.  Thankfully, all of these vocabulary challenged clones met their stabby end before I could get to them.


The End Boss defeat - while I want to extend kudos to the production for wanting to stick with practical makeup FX, I was rather disappointed with the relative ease our villain was dispatched.  I would hope that a lifetime (several lifetimes?) worshipper of the Dark Lord would have a bit more crazy stashed up her stylish sleeves for use in times of trouble.

The three Mothers-In-Law of Dracula

The verdict: While playing with obvious stereotypes is safe territory for a horror flick, Chastity Bites is quirky enough and has some great character connections to make it work.  A film about the ubiquitous but somehow elusive "strong woman," Chastity Bites manages to retain the sanctity of the final girl by keeping her strong (and that's for real strong, not fake strong until a guy shows up), while changing her for the better and deepening her (non-sexual) relationships along the way.

The rating: 4 stuck-up virgins with bad vocabulary out of 5 for this surprisingly stabby film.