The Horror Honeys: Meteor Shit & the Damn Herpes from the Minds of King & Romero!

Meteor Shit & the Damn Herpes from the Minds of King & Romero!

A Guest Honey Love Letter to CREEPSHOW 

When The Horror Honeys asked me to write about a horror flick, there was only one that came to mind: CREEPSHOW. If you've never seen this movie, we cannot be friends... until you see it… and love it. This movie is my absolute favorite film ever. EVER. It's fucking perfect. George A. Romero directing, Stephen King writing, Tom Savini for special effects, and a slew of amazing actors including (well known in the world of horror) Tom Atkins and Adrienne Barbeau. Not to mention one of the best cinematic scores in all of creation. All that fantastic shit tied together with kick ass comic book style animated transitions illustrated by Bernie Wrightson makes it the most perfect goddamned horror flick on Earth. If you disagree, may you die a horrible death. Kidding. 

::Winky Face:: 

Not kidding.
The wrap-around story is about a boy (Stephen King's actual son! GASP!) who gets caught with a CREEPSHOW comic book by his father, Tom Atkins (an apparent smut ogler). Poor Billy loses his comic to the trash: a great injustice. Enter The Creep, a lovable skeleton in a cloak who visits Billy's window like a magical terrifying godmother to grant him the wish of offing his father for him. BUT, not before sharing with the audience just what the CREEPSHOW comic contains that is so very sinful and disgusting that it belongs in the garbage. “The freakin' garbage!” to be exact.

Mmmm, you shake that little tush Ed Harris. It's disco time!
The first tale is titled Father's Day. This story features a snobby family having a Father's Day dinner together... sans father. A young couple, a brother, and an aunt await the arrival of Great Aunt Bedelia. The brother sets it up: Aunt Bedelia is well known for being tormented all her life by her father, Nathan. At some point after he turns 184, Bedelia bashes his head in to halt his constant bitching. “Where's my Father's Day cake?!”  Aw... that's nice. And although Nathan was clearly a mean old bastard from Hell, Bedelia is consumed with greed. Offing Daddy will do that to a girl. Bedelia visits his grave which is inexplicably close to the home, only to get strangled by a newly awakened, less than fresh, Nathan. All this happens while the family sits comfortably in the house and Ed Harris does possibly the most awkward on screen dancing to disco music ever. Don't worry, Nathan will kill him too. In fact, it's implied that Nathan gets the entire family on this evening and even bakes Aunt Sylvia's head into his Father's Day cake, complete with candles. Hooray!

I think you have something on your face, Stephen.
The second tale is titled The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill. Do you have goosebumps yet?! Jordy Verrill is a simpleton living in a shitty farm house in the middle of nowhere. Also he is played by Stephen Fucking King. Ah, yes... there are the goosebumps. On this night a bright glowing ball falls from the sky to which Jordy exclaims “Holy ol' Jesus!” Jordy'll be dipped in shit if that ain't a meteor. He proceeds to “cool the sumbitch off” with a bucket of water which causes it to break in half, spilling a mysterious ooze that Jordy names, “Meteor Shit.” The dialog alone makes this segment fantastic. Poor Jordy Verill spends the evening with hallucinations and what appears to be a plant like substance growing in places that come in contact with the meteor shit. ALL places. Yes, even there. At the end of the evening his land, home, belongings, and body are completely covered in moss and grass. This proves to be unbearable and Jordy opts for washing his mouth out with buckshot. A moment of silence for Jordy...

I bet he's got some major sand up his ass.
The third tale is titled Something to Tide You Over. This story is about a man and another man and also a woman. Oh, there's the conflict: A woman. One man, Leslie Nielsen, wants to kill the other, Ted Danson, for sleeping with his wife, some broad.  The chosen method for killing him and the broad? Burying them up to their necks in the sand and waiting for the tide to come in and drown them. He doesn't wait for the tide though. He has fancy-ass equipment to record it all so he can watch from his hoity-toity beach house, the rich bastard. The tide comes in and all is well! Whore wife and boyfriend, both dead. Good times are to be had in the shower. Or not. Instead, the whore wife and boyfriend come back from the dead and raid Leslie's beach house. What assholes! Bullets don't stop them either. In the end, we find poor Leslie buried on the beach. No worries, though. He can hold his breath “for a loooooong time.” No, not really. He gon' die!

Awwww, what a cute couple!

Dead-Eye Holbrook!
The fourth tale is titled The Crate. This is my favorite. Henry is a man... barely. His mouthy, alcoholic wife, Wilma (call her “Billie”, everyone does) has made his life a living Hell. Henry regularly envisions killing Billie. Ah, the bliss of killing Billie. Henry works at a college which is in its off season. A janitor there has found a mysterious (say it with me) CRATE under the stairway. This crate has been nailed shut, surely for no important reason. The janitor is hot to see what's inside so he calls Henry's intellectual friend, Dexter, to help him investigate it. They find Fluffy inside. Fluffy is some sort of man-eating beast made of nightmares, teeth and the terrified tears of children. He eats the janitor, you know, because he's not important. Dexter runs to get help. He finds a wandering student, we'll call him “Meal #2”. Dexter then runs home to find Henry. And Henry figures “Janitor, random student, well....someone important to this plot has to be eaten at some point." Cue Billie. Henry invites Billie to the college via hand-written note left next to her bourbon and milk. Ew. Billie falls right into Henry's trap. We rejoice and cheer for Fluffy. As Fluffy retreats to his crate for the evening, Henry manages to chain the crate shut and take Fluffy for a drive. He drops Fluffy at the bottom of a water filled quarry. Don't worry, he's fine. Not sure how, but he is.

Hey, Fluffy. I'm not sure she's happy to see you.
Yeah, he has something on his face too.
The fifth and final tale is titled They're Creeping Up On You. It's about a mean old codger who subsides in a $3200 a month penthouse apartment that is supposedly germ proof. However, we needn't worry about germs. Upson Pratt hates bugs. Especially cockroaches. So, what should happen to suddenly and overwhelmingly inhabit his apartment? Fucking cockroaches. Thousands of them. Mr. Pratt is wonderful at being a total asshole to his employees via intercom phone calls and even goes so far as to make fun of a grief-stricken widow who's husband blew his brains out when Pratt bought his company. He also establishes himself as a racist dick. It's safe to say that by the time the bugs have inexplicably filled his apartment, we're ready to see the bastard croak. And he does. Quite graphically. Huzzah!

We return to the wrap-around story of Billy and his asshole father. As the garbage men show up to take the freakin' garbage, one of them (Tom Goddamned Savini) notices that an ad for a voo-doll has been clipped and mailed away from the comic book. Billy's father didn't sleep worth a damn and as he's bitching about his neck, his wife notices a piece of his pajamas missing. It cuts to Billy holding a voodoo doll clad in Dad's PJ's. Billy has a grand time repeatedly stabbing his father in the throat while his father writhes in pain downstairs in the kitchen.

Never come between a boy and his comics.
I'll end this with a note on all the things that are not perfect about this film...