The Horror Honeys: Amityville Horrible

Amityville Horrible

A Supernatural Honey Review

Amityville Horror 3D (1983)

I just purchased The Amityville Horror Collection, blu ray box set. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Why? Why, Suzanne, when you already own I & II on DVD?”  Well, I don’t really have a good answer. I enjoy the original film and I even like part II, The Possession. Actually, part II, which is a prequel to the original, is a much better film, once you get past the incest. But we’re not here to talk about that. We’re here to discuss Amityville 3-D, which I watched in 2-D.

I wasn’t really familiar with this film. I do remember seeing it in the theater (Don’t you judge me, I was a kid!) and I think maybe another time on a pay channel years ago. Suffice it to say, I was warned before I even put the film in. The tagline is, “In this movie, you are the victim.” Truer words have never been spoken.

Journalist, John Baxter (Tony Roberts), buys the infamous house with the intention of debunking the myth. You know the rest of the story because it’s no different from the other films. The only difference lies in the backstory. The DeFeo murders and the Lutz scandal are never even mentioned. It’s simply the scary house on the block that no one wants to live in, family buys said house for a song, supernatural shit starts to happen and yada, yada, yada… As it turns out, this film is neither a sequel nor prequel. In fact, it’s really not even related. So there’s that.


Featuring Meg's original face.
The cast is adequate. Along with Roberts you see the familiar faces of Tess Harper, as Baxter’s estranged wife and ultimate shrew, Candy Clark, Lori Loughlin, Meg Ryan (wearing her original face), and Robert Joy. All of them decent actors, but they had nothing to work with. In fact, if I’m to be completely honest, I turned the sound off and took a call halfway through the damn thing. There. I said it. I gave up.

The effects are simple and completely ineffective. Remember this thing is from 1983 and was originally filmed to be shown in 3D so there are the typical “things shoved in your face” effects, which look even worse in 2D. There is a lot of wind and shit blowing in the wind and sticking into walls. If I believed in God, this is where I would say, “God, why did I watch this?”

Now that's just awkward in 2D...

There is only one scene in this film that works. Baxter’s daughter, Susan (Loughlin), is out on the lake with her friends. Her mother (Harper) is in the kitchen and sees Susan enter the house, completely soaked. As mom yells at Susan for being at the house in the first place, Susan turns to her and smiles, but says nothing. She moves very slowly up the stairs toward her room. Mom follows, insisting she respond, but nothing. In the meantime, Baxter arrives home and sees a commotion by the lake. As he runs to the dock, we see Susan lying there, unconscious and wet. Mom gets to the top of the stairs and opens the door to the room Susan just entered. She’s gone. That’s when everyone, but mom, realizes Susan is dead.  It’s truly the only creepy moment in the movie.

After the death of Baxter’s daughter, he enlists the help of some scientists to end the terror once and for all or something like that. The evil dwells in the well (hey, that rhymes). As they’re investigating the well, the demon or alien or whatever the fuck it was makes its appearance. This rubber suit wearing motherfucker looked like a cross between a sleestack and the little demons from The Gate. More people die, then the house blows to smithereens. THE. END.

What.  The.  Fuck.
Look, I’m an angry person on a good day so when I waste my time on anything, I get even angrier. This was a complete waste of my time and, coincidentally, my money. I hate that my first official post as Supernatural Honey is about a movie where I have virtually nothing good to say. Fingers crossed for next time!

In the end, Supernatural Honey says: GET OUT!