The Horror Honeys: GET TO THE CHOPPAH!!!!!!


A Sci-Fi Honey Review of a Movie She Should Have Seen 25 Years Ago

Predator (1987)

Whatcha watchin?
As pretty much everyone knows, Predator is a Sci-fi/action/horror film that was released in 1987. At that time, I was 16 years old and highly uninterested in seeing sweaty unintelligent men in a jungle get disemboweled and skinned by an alien. Times have changed, and there are now a few people I really wouldn’t mind seeing disemboweled and skinned by an alien. And so, I found myself this week on a couch with Predator, my friends and some wine, and a cat that scared the crap out of me by appearing out of nowhere on the couch behind me, causing me to almost choke to death on a surprisingly delicious garlic bread crust pizza.
I shot so much ammo the tree exploded into flames.
'Cause I'm manly.
For the one person who doesn’t know what this movie is about, here’s the synopsis.  A special-forces team, led by a man named 'Dutch' who has an Austrian accent (Arnold Schwarzenegger), is on a mission to rescue hostages from guerilla territory in Central America. Unbeknownst to the group, they are being stalked and hunted by a technologically advanced alien, the Predator.  There is a great deal of gunfire and human skinning and green alien blood and the best special effects that 1987 had to offer. Also macho posturing and casual racism and some of the most unintentionally hilarious dialogue I have ever seen. And then it culminates in a Mano Y Alien Battle Royale between Austrian Dutch and a really well built alien with dreads.  And ‘splosions. Lots of ‘splosions.
I don't have time to bleed. But I *do*  have time to 
make fun of people by calling them homosexual. 
I’m a bit torn on judging this movie. It’s 26 years old, after all. The effects were cutting edge at that time, they were even nominated for an effects Academy Award. And the alien facial effects, I have to say, still look really really good, they totally stand up. The ‘Alien thermal vision’ effects make me chuckle, they look like some kind of bad acid trip while looking at a Lite Brite. Apparently the ‘Alien Blood’ is the green stuff you find in glowsticks.  
The dialogue is pretty terrible. There are some hilariously bad lines (“I AIN’T GOT TIME TO BLEED!!”), some atrocious acting, every stereotypical action film character in the universe (The Nerdy Tech Guy With Glasses Who Can’t Defend Himself And Dies Horribly, The Tough Guy, The Guy Who Loses His Shit, The Lone Woman Who Gets Rescued…), some insults based on race and sexual orientation, and somehow the hero survives a nuclear explosion from less than 100M away without a scratch.  The continuity is really awful, people change clothing and face makeup within the same scene, locations change in a scene that make it seem like people are teleporting or something (HEY how did he get over there??? And where did his shirt go???).
I am obviously going to survive, because it's 1987 and I'm a military guy
reading a comic book and wearing glas- *splat*
On the plus side, there are two, count ‘em TWO, former US Governors in this movie (one former bodybuilder and one WWF wrestler), some gigantic Mansplosions with blood all over the camera, a great looking alien, and to be honest I laughed a LOT during this movie, it was fun. I know it wasn’t INTENDED to be funny back then, but the horrible dialogue and overacting and the giant guns and over the top ammunition expenditure and repeated arm flexing made it a totally hilarious B-Movie-style experience for me. 
I am going to rate this movie as I see it now, because I’m WATCHING it now, and not like I would have rated it were I watching it in 1987. Because it’s not 1987. I know this because I don’t have permed hair, I’m not wearing neon or a beret, and I’m not listening to ‘Alone’ by Heart in my room OVER and OVER on a ’45 record while crying over the unrequited affections of some 17 year old hockey player that now has 4 kids, a paunch, a drinking problem and a comb-over.  
Sci-Fi Honey rating: I give this a 4 for entertainment value, a -13 for dialogue and racism, misogyny and unoriginality, and +1536 for having this shot of Arnold Schwarzenegger in it.

Let’s just call it 2 Aliens with Rave-Glowstick Blood out of 5. Watch it if you want to laugh, or play a drinking game involving guns and/or bicep flexing.  

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