The Horror Honeys: Bronson + Perkins = Testicle-Punchingly Bad

Bronson + Perkins = Testicle-Punchingly Bad


A Guest Honey Classic Review from Suzanne
Apparently the poster is significantly more
interesting than the movie
I love Charles Bronson because, well, he’s Charles Bronson. In fact, I think it’s sort of un-American to NOT like Charles Bronson. Sure, he’s not a great actor, he isn’t very good looking and pretty much only plays cowboys and cops, but it works for him. So here I am, thinking Someone Behind the Door, a movie with Charles Bronson and Anthony Perkins would be movie gold. But I was wrong. I was so very wrong…
Anthony Perkins stars as Norman Ba… I mean, Lawrence Jefferies, a neurosurgeon, who takes an amnesiac (Bronson) into his care, under the guise of trying to discover his identity. Jefferies’ motives are far more sinister, as we discover.
Jefferies is just finishing up brain surgery and on his way home for the evening when Bronson’s character, known as “The Stranger,” is dropped off at the hospital by a cab driver who found him wandering near the beach. The stranger doesn’t know who he is or where he came from. Jefferies takes our mystery man home with him where we find that he has a wife (Jill Ireland). It’s obvious the marital relationship is strained and something fishy is going on.


As it turns out, Mrs. Jefferies is steppin’ out on her husband. Jefferies knows this and decides to use his new ward as a way to exact revenge on his cheating spouse. How, you may ask? He starts planting the seeds to make the stranger believe it is HIS wife who is unfaithful, in the hopes he will kill her.
If I gesture seriously, you won't notice I'm about to
kill you!
There are so many things wrong with this film I’m not sure where to begin. I guess we can start with the fact the movie takes place in the UK, but the two leads are American and the majority of supporting players are French. It makes sense from a production standpoint, but could also be the reason no one has ever seen it. I guess it might not bother the average film goer, but it bugged the ever-loving shit out of me.
The plot is fucking ridiculous. I like revenge as much as the next person, but what are the odds a renowned brain surgeon, who dabbles in psychiatry, would happen upon a man with no memory the very same day his wife is taking off to be with her lover? He also goes to great lengths to set the guy up over, what seems like, several days, but I couldn’t really tell because no one 
changes their clothes throughout the entire film. Saved on wardrobe, I guess.
Those aren't the eyebrows of a trusted surgeon.
Bronson, who is usually the dry, tough guy, plays the stranger like a half-wit. Every revelation is a miracle and he’s so excited about these discoveries that he never really gets angry about his imaginary wife’s indiscretions. Now, I’m no expert, but I’m fairly certain, even if I had no memory of my life, I’d know infidelity is not okay and I’d be pissed. It’s alluded to that the character may be an escaped mental patient who raped and killed a girl on the beach. That would explain why he was found on the beach, but not why he’s well-dressed and has a very expensive Burberry trench coat (yes, I recognized the plaid liner). Maybe Burberry was what they dressed the mental patients in back in the 70s?
Now let’s talk about Anthony Perkins. I’ll be honest, I haven’t seen him in much besides Psycho and the subsequent sequels. After seeing Perkins as Norman Bates, you think that performance is nothing short of brilliant. Unfortunately, looking at some of his other bodies of work, he parlays that same performance into his other characters. There are certain moments when he speaks or combs his hair back with his fingers and he’s Norman. If this film took place at a lonely motel off the highway, I wouldn’t have been that surprised. In fact, I might have liked it better.


The times, they are a'changin', but Charles Bronson's hair is not.
Guest Honey Verdict: Someone Behind the Door came up in my Amazon movie recommendations a few times, based on my past purchases, and I decided to take a leap of faith and buy it. If I had testicles, I’d punch myself in them for wasting $10 on it. I’d rather watch Death Wish 4 on a loop.


Your Guest Honey this week: Angry, hates people, likes kittens and horror movies. Moved to NYC three years ago seeking an adventurous life, but spends most of her spare time watching movies in her living room. Suzanne has a soft spot for obscure, really bad horror movies from the 70s & 80s. If they're British, all the better.