The Horror Honeys: Boobs, Rubber Gloves, and Udo Kier's Overbite

Boobs, Rubber Gloves, and Udo Kier's Overbite

A Guest Honey Review of Not-Porn from Suzanne
I am the self-proclaimed queen of bad horror movies from the 60s & 70s. I love them so much, I seek them out. Of course, these “bad” movies must have some redeeming quality: be it humor, decent acting, nostalgia… mostly nostalgia. So color me excited when a little known film called The House on Straw Hill showed up on our doorstep.  Unfortunately, my color drained quickly. 
The House on Straw Hill, AKA Trauma, AKA Exposé, is the story of eccentric novelist Paul Martin (Udo Kier), who enlists the help of a secretary, Linda (Linda Hayden), to finish his newest novel. She has ulterior motives, which you learn in short order, that revolve around her husband’s suicide, which was a direct result of Martin’s treachery and plagiarism. Then all sorts of murder happen. 
Yep, that’s pretty much it.
Udo Kier is one of those bizarre actors that I can never decide if I like or completely creeps me out. Well, he’s fucking creepy as fuck in this movie. The first really off-putting thing about him is the dubbing. The ADR in this film is bad overall, but they dubbed Udo with an American!  I had that same uneasy feeling I usually get when watching a Fulci movie and they dub little boy's with 40 year-old women's. 

Jazz hands!
His character has a series of flashbacks, which make little sense in the beginning. Actually, they never totally make sense, but he has them mostly while having sex with girlfriend, Suzanne. He also wears surgical gloves when performing, although that is never explained.
One snippet on the girlfriend: I’ve seen a lot of bad acting in my time, but nothing compares to that of Fiona Richmond. The few times she’s onscreen, she manages to make a bad situation worse. I’m guessing she was hired because she was willing to be naked. I was quite sure she was transgendered due to her extremely masculine features and super bad boob job. Regardless, she was just awful. Why did her name have to be Suzanne?
The only person in this film with any acting chops is our evil secretary (Hayden). She’s been in many cult films and has no problem owning the screen. Too bad for her, the role was practically pornographic. She gets naked and begins masturbating within 10 minutes of appearing. Ten minutes later and she’s at it again, but this time in a field. There is a weird rape seen, which she seems to enjoy, but that made me terribly uncomfortable. Hayden clearly states in her interview on the special features that this film was the biggest mistake of her acting career. No kidding…

I think we all know what is going on here.
There is no real suspense in this movie. Unless you can’t follow the signs or are visually impaired, the killer is revealed in the first 15 minutes. There is a lot of 70s tomato soup blood, but no real gore (coincidentally, I’m eating tomato soup as I write this). The Blu-ray is underwhelming, as the film is pieced together from several different remaining prints, some of which had water damage, so the movie is about as remastered as its ever going to get. Overall, this cult classic was a real shit-fest. However, I did enjoy the interview with Hayden, the only real special feature on the disc. She spends a lot of it bashing her experience on this film. At least she’s honest!
So is it a slasher flick, a revenge flick or is it porn? The answer is yes.

That looks painful.

Guest Honey Dissa-Points: 1.5 out of 5