The Horror Honeys: Human Centipede: 100% medically accurate

Human Centipede: 100% medically accurate

A Head Honey Review

The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009)
(Also reviewed with PJ from Toxic Unlife)

The first time I ever experienced Human Centipede, it was under extreme duress.  A friend who was trying to expand my horror horizons had systematically broken down my wall of resistance and general feelings of "OMG NO NO NO NO" over a series of weeks of watching "tamer" horror films to ease me into this new level of WTF.

Plying me with assurances that I would love it, and that no I wouldn't see any poop smears, and yes I could drink the entire bottle of wine to myself, I reluctantly agreed.
My mother asks me all the time how I can watch these "horrible things"…and to be honest, mum, it's because I harass the fuck out of them.  If I took this shit seriously, I'm pretty sure that I'd be extremely damaged.

First snigger of the film:  The (uber delightful) doctor, sitting in his car with a photo of three Rottweiler's standing with their noses up each other's butts… REALLY?  So tender, so…what?  

Second derisive chuckle plus an eye roll: Stupid American chicks out to fuck their way across Europe after college… Is this what all Americans do after college?  Hostel LOVED that trick too… You'd think after this many movies about dead 20-somethings in Europe that it would stop being a thing… 

Something I notice more often than I care to admit in movies is also something that REALLY pisses me off…have you ever noticed that NO ONE says "thank you"…for…anything?  As though It's just assumed (and angrily expected in most cases) that help will be provided or offered willingly and without consequence.  Now, whether that's because of that ever present white middle class privileged upbringing where compliance and condescension are innate in the society or just something that no one really thinks about, I have no idea…but it's definitely something that bothers the fuck out of me.  It might be because I'm's just annoying.  I say thank you ALL the goddamn time.  I said thank you to an ATM once, but to be fair, I was hammered.  

A familiar horror trope will always be the juxtaposition between "the Villain" in his quiet and seemingly idyllic life and the dungeon of horrors being maintained not far away.  Our good Doctor is no different.  I'm in love with his stereotypically German efficiency, cleanliness, order, Nordic fitness level, and that consuming hypnotic stare.  Plus - his love of being barefoot, I don't like shoes either.

Sidenote:  I LOVE listening to the Japanese language…LOVE it.  Powerful, commanding, and generally badass.  

And how fucked up you will be...
The Horror:  Bond-villain style monologuing is what makes this film SO horrifying.  Delivered by our good doctor, the explanation of the extreme body modification and the procedure itself are what really make this film a standout for me.  It's not just about the initial gross out…nooooo no…  What makes this film so beautifully horrific and lifts it out of that gross "no no" territory is that unlike other films where a rescue is possible, there is no coming back from this kind of attack.  This is not a "Laurie Strode is much better after extensive therapy and living a normal life" kind of movie.
The fact that any rescue, no matter how soon it came, would never be enough for these three.  No amount of counselling, reconstructive surgery, rehabilitation…nothing can bring these people back to any definition of "normal".  THAT is the triumph of this film.  Especially after that final scene…holy shit.  
Facial staples are all the rage in Europe.

I love you Dieter.  Your jawline is magical.
Now I know that some people find this film utterly ridiculous and hilarious...but I don't feel that way about it.  The coldly macabre, yet tender and beautiful Doctor, visibly moved by his creation is what truly brings Human Centipede out of the realm of the ridiculous and into a truly horrific piece of cinema.  It also excuses some slightly ridiculous moments elsewhere in the film which could have been painful had Dieter Laser not been the brilliant madman that he is.  

This Horror Honey's verdict: If you can get past the initial no-no feeling that this movie brings out in pretty much everyone; you're in for a visceral treat that you'll want to share with your friends…maybe not as intimately as Lindsay, Jenny and Katsuro do…but close.  

Get to know your friends, really really REALLY well.

Horror Honey PS - I've no desire to see the rest of the Centipede films, especially with a rumour going around about a centipede made up of prison inmates…I don't think I'll ever be ready for that one.  You go, Tom Six.  You follow that assy dream.

3 people attached ass to mouth = one crappy dog.