The Horror Honeys: Lizzie Borden Took an Axe... but Should Have Taken Acting Lessons

Lizzie Borden Took an Axe... but Should Have Taken Acting Lessons

A Horror Honey Tandem Review

Featuring: Revenge Honey & Head Honey

Lizzie (2013) 

Head Honey Perspective

The Borden Dream House Playset. 
The true crime version of Lizzie Borden's story is a simple one to tell, and if you start the rhyme, everyone seems to know how it goes:

Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks;
When she saw what she had done,
She gave her father forty-one.

August 4th, 1882: the bodies of Andrew Borden and his wife Abby were found in their Fall River, Massachusetts home.  Both Borden's had been bludgeoned to death with a small hatchet.  Andrew's skull split with 10 blows to the head, and Abby's face obliterated with up to 20 blows.    

The face of a killer?  Oh, probably.
Suspicion fell on the Bordens' 34 year old daughter Lizzie, who was arrested and held without bail until her trial in June of 1883.  Acquitted within 90 minutes and absolved of all legal accusation, Lizzie remained as resident of Fall River, Mass. until her death in 1927.  Although it's widely believed that Lizzie did in fact commit the crimes, the Borden murders remain unsolved.

History is history...and there will always be films made about historical murders.  Lizzie is one of those films that I wish I'd never watched.  After a really interesting opening that actually made me believe that it MIGHT be good, Lizzie turned out to be a spectacular waste of 2 hours of my time.  Lizzie piggybacks off of the Borden murders by trying to make a film about: (deep breath) a ghost, a creepy doll, a possession, revenge, repressed memories, alcoholism, adultery, psychiatry, and history ALLATTHESAMEGODDAMNTIME and obviously, it's not successfully done.  

This face... 90% of the film.  NO.
Now I don't normally judge anyone for their drinking habits... but when your psychiatrist tells you no less than SIX TIMES "no alcohol with this medication and did I mention, no alcohol?" how about you DON'T down a bottle of cheap red a night... even I'd dial that shit back, and that's saying something.

Stuff your judgement, I don't have a problem.  

An hour into this film, and I still had ZERO idea what was happening.  The Netflix description was more informative than the actual film as far as plot build-up, which I wasn't expecting.  Amanda Baker, her bad nose job, and her angry acting overpower most of the film and the human interaction that's supposed to make you care about her character, who is also named Lizzie (BORING) falls super flat... especially the forced connection between Lizzie and Jason.  UGH.  Keanu Reeves has more passion in his love scenes.

Andrew Borden.  Pretty much how I felt halfway through the film.
There's a lot of drinking (usually applauded, except in this case where it's stupid and makes me hate her), some obligatory side boob and a shower scene, a dirty boyfriend with awful hair who works with metal and seems to sharpen a LOT of hatchets (OMG JUST LIKE IN THE MURDERS), poorly.  The whole relationship dynamic REALLY annoyed idea why.  Maybe it's the "big strong dude rescue me" bullshit that was pretty prevalent throughout the film...from the pathetic baseball bat swinging tantrum to the EMBARRASSING axe wielding near the end...when you see it, you'll feel the same.  Embarrassed.

This is the part when I wish Lizzie had started her
whacking earlier in the movie
Now, if you hit the IMDb link above, you'll notice that Gary Busey makes the credits in this boring piece of cinema...and why?  Gary appears in approximately 10 minutes of this film...encapsulated in some incoherent mumbling and a REALLY awkward rape scene which leads to what amounts to an attempted explanation of how the murders "really" happened.  

True Crime Honey gives Lizzie 1.5 Gary Busey Teeth out of a possible 5... and only because I love watching him try to talk around those choppers.  Points have also been removed because no one seems to know how to sharpen a fucking hatchet.  
Happy 1800s family, just add awkward rape.

Revenge Honey Perspective

Gary Busey rape scene. PEACE!

Oh, you're still here? You need more than that? Fiiiiiiiiiiine. When I was a bored kid in elementary school who had, literally, read every book in her school's library by the 4th grade, I began checking out the meager selection of non-fiction that was offered. One momentous fall day, tucked behind some boring books about botany, I discovered a dusty copy of The Lizzie Borden Trial (Be the Judge/Be the Jury) by Doreen Rappaport. This book put young readers into the shoes of the jury behind the Borden trial and even featured the real life crime photos. After the fourth week of a little blonde, braided-pig-tailed Revenge Honey walking up to the librarian and checking out this book, my mom and dad were called in for a parent/teacher conference. My parents basically told the school to piss off. HA! Take that establishment!

I'm more turned on by THIS side boob.
So essentially, Lizzie Borden and I are tight. Despite seeing Gary Busey was in this movie, and generally anything featuring him these days is good IN SPITE of his presence, I was stoked to give this movie a try. So so SO wrong. Ugh, the abject torture this movie inflicts on those unfortunate enough to stumble across it will pretty much leave you desperate for a hatchet of your own. Seriously. I started looking around for an axe. Fuck, I didn't even care if it was sharp. Much like the assholes in this film, who seemed content to just flail around and chuck their weaponry like petulant children. "WAHH! Stupid hatchet!"

The acting in Lizzie is just another rancid cherry on top of the shit sundae. Amanda Baker spends half of the movie prancing around in her underwear for no discernible reason and scream/laughing manically like a frigging hyena. This is the kind of movie that thinks flashing a little boob will distract from the fact that the actress is probably fucking the director. NEWS FLASH! It doesn't.

Congratulations on your diploma from the Macaulay
Culkin School of Acting.
The best part is, because Baker is riding the crazy train so hard, everyone around her has to up the lunatic ante to make up for her level ten overacting. Or in the case of the dude playing her boyfriend, go the other way and lumber around like a sloth who just smoked a burrito size blunt. Then the director decided to go and add poor, clueless Gary Busey to the mix, who probably didn't even know where he was that day. It's hard to believe that Busey would be capable of finding his own dick in the shower, let alone raping anyone, so the idea that his agents thought this was a good film choice for him was just cruel. Shame on those 10% collecting bastards!

Listen, if you don't get it by now, just don't watch this movie. Read a book about the real Lizzie Borden. Read some internet articles. Or better yet, find a hatchet, locate a copy of this movie somewhere, and do the world a favor by just destroying the shit out of it with the sharp end of said weapon. Tell them the Revenge Honey sent you.

The Revenge Honey gives Lizzie 1 Hatchet Whack out of 40 only because the first 2 minutes of the movie describing the original Borden murders are kind of cool. Take that out of the equation, and this movie made me want to turn the hatchet on myself.